I had planned to send out a beautiful Holiday greeting. Cheerful. Pictures. Joyous. Wishing you, my one reader of this blog, a wonderful holiday season.

But I can't. I'm sorry.

The truth is that in the past (most of my past) when I am ever in a place such as this, I would hide. I would avoid. I would not answer my phone. I would not say yes to anything and I would cancel all that I'd planned.

Because no one should want to be with me or near me while I am in this not so pleasant place to be in. No one would want to be near this.

But I'm not so strong as I have always thought myself to be.

I think I'm on the mend. But I cannot move a step forward without holding firmly to the One I love, who knows the place I'm in, who only understands where I've been. But sometimes I'm too weak even to hold on. So, I'm asking you to pray that He will show me again and again that He is strong enough and will hold me.

Thank you and God bless.

Enjoying this nesting season?

That's what I keep telling myself anyway! Ha! We have been home, without our vehicle for the third day in a row now, due to the weather! How did my mom ever do it? Hehehe. She didn't even have the Internet back then, or a phone that was unattached to the wall.

It is a good season though. A season of a little pruning and refocusing and rethinking. A season where TRUE interaction with others becomes a lot more valued than I realized it hadn't been being. Is that a real sentence? Hmmm....

Here are some photos of our lives:

Photo Below was taken on our ROOF.

Give Grace

There are lots of things you can give people this time of year. Presents of all kinds, from all over the world, wrapped in cute paper, bags, with ribbons & bows. Handmade. Store bought. Online ordered. You name it, you can probably give that special gift to the person(s) you love.
I've already said how I feel about this whole shopping extravaganza thing. I'm not going to deny picking up some well-thought out deals or making special gifts for those in my life.
But what I've been noticing lately is that in my life, my everyday life, I make a lot of mistakes. Errors. Wrong turns. And what I'd like more than anything is just a little grace extended to me. Like a gift. Just a little grace gift.
Then I begin to notice all of the people around me. They make some mistakes too. I err on the side of my own frustration, yet know that they too, would like a little grace.
Everyone needs grace. When you have been given grace, it becomes easier and more understandable to give it. We have all been given grace, because while we were still sinners Christ died for us. That is LOVE. Born into this world a precious holy child, that child became a man who taught us how to live, and how to extend grace to one another. He healed. He fed. He showed. He gave. He did a million things more. And every day He still does.
If we were all to just give a little grace to each other this month, when the oppurtunity arises, then we begin to live more. We share. We grow. We show that we believe.
Give the gift of grace. Even in the small things. It's what I desire to give and what I would love more than anything to receive. And I feel confident saying that God desires it too.
So, what does it look like? Well, from the lyrics of 33 Miles:
It's a little bit of hope and sweet redemption
Maybe taking time to stop and listen
Just being there show someone that you care
It's living a life with your hands wide open
Giving all you got to a heart that is broken
For heaven's sake whatever it takes
If you wanna know what grace looks like
Let love open up your eyes
It's not that far away
You might be amazed

When You Are Six... from freeplaylife on Vimeo.

Shadee

She was a good dog. Everyone said so. She was a great protector and faithful friend. She lived for 10 years and 4 months. The pictures below are when she first came to us, when we lived in our rental on Fountainbleau, her first home. She had the chronic disease, mange. She lived out her last five months of life in "retirement" at Bill & Sharon's. She loved us all. We all loved her. We know she is in dog heaven, and living out a wonderful eternity. We will anticipate meeting her again there.

Black Gold Documentary

Just finished watching this very thought-provoking movie:

Happy 3rd Birthday Brielle!

It is so strange to think that three years ago Brielle came into our lives, in the most amazing way, and changed us forever.

This year, as she turns three we find her being sweet, sincere, witty, smart, amazing, beautiful, kind, generous, insistent, determined, and very vocal. She currently loves people, music, and creating art. She is tons of other wonderful things and loves tons of other things as well. But these are the ones that are in the top of my head.

We love her so much and celebrate her on this Special Day.

To read about her Birth as written in the Clarksville Family Magazine Click Here and scroll to page 14.

Happy Birthday Brielle!

Sharing Loss with practical strangers

I have sad news. Recently, the Director of the Preschool where Brielle attends twice a week, lost her husband. I didn't see her for a week there and I have been praying for her family (she has three boys still at home, I believe) occasionally. She was there Monday when I went to drop off Brielle. Her teachers suggested I talk to her and tell her the news that Brielle's last month would be this one, November, which I had told them a week ago. They said they already told her, but that I should also. I thought that was strange, probably because selfishly I didn't want to have to talk to someone who was grieving so deeply. But I glanced around for her on my way out and happened to see her talking to the Donald in the kitchen. Instinctively, I first hugged her. Now, I don't really know her, so that caught me by surprise that I would do that. Then we talked about Brielle and as I went to leave I just rubbed her arm and she reached out to hug me again.
I walked out, quickly.
Tears began welling in my eyes.
Before I was out the door they were falling and as I began driving I was fully bawling.
And all I could think was, "I don't even know her."
And I don't. I really don't.
I kept crying for a good ten minutes. The pain was so intense and I couldn't hardly understand why I was feeling it. But in a way, I did know.
God moves through His people.
Sometimes it is not like we expect.
Sometimes it is to take the tears that we are just too tired to cry anymore. To take the pain that we are just too week to feel anymore. To share it with another, who isn't deep in the confusion. Sharing in Christ's sufferings. Sometimes that can take on a whole new meaning.
I hope she knows it wasn't a seemingly thoughtless act, that hug.
I hope she knows that the Holy Spirit is taking care of her. I hope she feels her burden lifted some, by each and every act of grace that He gives. It amazes me how He loves us.

Tis the Season for whaaaaat?

Every year I get a little better or worse for the holiday shopping season. Better as in: I get better at snagging deals. Worse as in: I snag deals. How can they both be good and bad? .........I don't know. It's like all of these sale ads float around in my head and I start to get dizzy and missional. My world starts spinning and I start thinking, "where do I want to go?" "who am I getting gifts for?" "what would they really like?" The last question is the biggest one. I'm so tired of buying plastic for my children (and others) that is going to just get broken or discarded due to lack of interest one day! No, I'm beyond tired of it, I'm fed up with it! Not at the kids, of course, innocence victims of my thriftiness and the industries' pushiness that they are. I'm mad at me, the consumer. Am I buying anything they really need or care about (for more than a week - if that)? And if I get such a good "deal" on it, will it really last any length of time? But then, I argue with myself, what? Don't get them anything? Only one gift? Three? Like Jesus when he was born? And every family is different and has different incomes, ideals, and traditions. I've read ideas that you can take a trip, do something special with your family that they will remember, instead of giving more presents. Sounds great, but I'm not sure how we transition into that.

So, for now, I'm just going to pray that I will make wise choices. Frugal ones that even if they are a rocking good deal that I wouldn't buy in haste (especially if we can't afford it), but that God's Holy Spirit would show me how to spend wisely, and how to let go of any worldly pressure to consume. I know that might sound a little strange, but I can't do it by myself! I wish I were just blase about it all, like some people I know. But I struggle. I like good deals and I like to use them to bless others, even if it is a birthday 8 months from now.

I hope that God, in all His wisdom and because He can, will show me and my whole family a deeper meaning of the value of this holiday season. There is a greater gift to behold than the craziness I sometimes cannot see past and I want to just relax and receive it, selfish as that may sound to me. I hope that is also the gift that I am most able to give. And I pray that we all just ENJOY the people in our lives, who they are, and our time with them. Even if, no---especially if---, we see them everyday. God bless the Holidays.

The mess we made

Today was super Friday. I named it that just now. It's the once a month gathering of our MOPS table that was (in previous years) our 2nd MOPS meeting of the month. Our table has met once before, outside of our MOPS gatherings, at a local park. Our children are starting to know each other. We went to Jump Zone, six of us moms, nine of our children. Total fun. When our time had expired one of the moms, who seemed much more like a controlling sibling at that moment, demanded to know if we were going to go eat lunch someplace or just talk about the possiblity of doing it. Ha! So, some of opted out (for perfectly justifable reasons) and some of us headed to the unsuspecting services of Taco Bell. Four moms, six kiddos ranging from 20 months to age 4. What were we thinking? Who cares? We were hungry and had hungry children. I'm sorry if you were on your "adult" lunch break and happened to drop in there. Nah, I'm not really. Eating out is a treat that we rarely pay for, and while we tried our best to keep it tidy, there were workers there who had very good attitudes about helping us out and actually "working their job" (thank you workers for all of your help). And yes, I have worked in the fast food industry.

Speaking of attitudes. With that many kids 4 and under, there is bound to be a point of escalation. During ours, one mom was getting frustrated and we were trying to help, all the while I was hoping she wasn't wishing she hadn't come. I totally knew how she felt. Then a child's drink crashed to the floor. Moans rose from us all. Was this really worth it? Fortunately, there was a lady mopping not five feet away (coincidence?). Then at the other end of our long table another drink crashed to the floor. Giggle. Chuckle. Laugh o u t Loud. We had to! It was too funny, and besides there was nothing better to do.

Stop.

Freeze Time.

Click.

This is the moment when you realize: We just aren't in this alone. Laughs. Cries. Spills. Giggles. We're all moms, spending time together for the social good of our kiddos and for the mental social good of ourselves at great costs sometimes. We all know what it is to be challenged, overwhelmed, unsure, and misunderstood (even by our own selves) in our parenting and in our character. We know it, because we've felt it, done it, and dealt it. There are days like that, moments like that. But when we can think about the bigger picture and piece it together with each other, it seems more befitting to laugh at ourselves than anything else.

When one of the moms retrieved extra cupcakes from her car (leftover from her daughter's school birthday party) and brought them in to share with us, we all cheered!!! We went through the endless stack of one hundred napkins in the middle of our table before we realized that none of us had put them there. (???) mystery worker?

Here is a vague example that Julie took a picture of, which I agree when she says, "It totally doesn't do it justice."

Turns out that the messes today provided the most joys.

For everyone.