Monday, January 24, 2011

What's been going on with me

I've sort of been gone, in a way, it seems. I've struggled with what to say about that, how much to say, and even if I should. Then I think about it, and there's just too much, too many thoughts going through my mind. And I'm tired. I'm tired of saying I'm tired. It seems like every time I turn around (or wake up throughout the night) someone is sick, coughing, flu, fever. That's just recently. Two weeks ago it was a stomach bug. Then there are snow days, which are fine, except they throw loops into our week that are unexpected rhythms. It's hard for me to find my ground, where I am, what I'm doing. Then, I have those hundreds of thoughts.....and I'm not sure how much sense they make when I'm running on E for lack of sleep. And this sounds like on big complaint, which is not exactly what I meant to do. But it's hard to be honest and real and pleasant all together for me right now. So, maybe I should talk about what God is doing.
I would, only I don't quite know much. The only thing I am sure of is that He is doing something and it probably involves some pruning in my life. It is possible that He is removing some things that aren't a part of His plan for me, and it is painful! Maybe I'm not so great with submitting or adjusting or both, but it is hard to see the good in somethings that seems so hard. I've realized that I've been holding on to things that were both good and bad; neverthless, change is difficult too. I've thought recently about my life being this frozen-over garden in winter, being weeded, pruned, and prepared for Spring. Thing is, not only is it extremely cold and uncomfortable, I also can't see Spring! In fact, I have a hard time even believing that it is going to come!!! I know that now is not the time to give up, and that I just have to keep seeking, seeking, seeking God in all of this, despite my humanly desire to escape. I have hope. It just seems so small sometimes...most of time, if I'm being honest.
Despite the reality that I've been (or at least felt) out of real-life/in-person connection with others, I have still felt surrounded and uplifted by family in Jesus. Maybe it is because I am no longer on Facebook, the Internet (as much) or my cell phone (as much) that even the smallest encounters or interactions with someone else can be the most blessed occasion. Anything from a smile, to a conversation, to a quick email can mean the most to me. In fact, I feel so blessed by God and the wonderful people in my life that sometimes I start to think that some things were set up just for me, to support & encourage me. I feel so not humble saying that! But the truth is, that I do say it in all humility. I don't feel I deserve all of the goodness that God brings me in my life. I know I don't. So when He does it anyway I have to think, "He must love me." I know He does, but I just see the treasures differently than before. I don't know if that is the whole point of this, or just blessings along the way of the journey. But it matters not. I can't see much of anything this cold winter season, where I feel stuck and tired and waiting, but I know I'm not alone and I do believe (by faith) that Spring will come. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows what He is doing and He alone knows the path I'm supposed to be on. He longs to give me the desires of my heart. I'm often confused about what this means in the day to day, but I know He will do great things for His glory for all of His children, and I know He wants great things for my family, for everyone that I know, and for this entire world that He created. I know I say these things are true for me (as I'm learning them) but I also know they are true for you too wherever you are at in your own spiritual garden or journey.

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